Rebirth this past Jan 1st has been sudden and somewhat unkind. Change can be a tough teacher. That’s because the best-laid plans fall apart when you don’t realize how much stress you place on yourself, and life puts on you. Cards, pictures, photo albums from another time and place tease you with the images of yourself in youth. Memories of free time, and people long gone, flood in suddenly.
I had great intentions about my resolutions for 2020, and they all felt like I was being hard on myself for trying to break habits I just can’t help. I resolved to learn to use my Google calendar and quit putting post-it notes all around the house. So far, this has been a look into my own imperfections as homekeeper, a la Martha Stewart, wanting to organize and keep track of what I accomplish each day with lists. The lists are unforgiving because they do not so much remind me of what I’ve set out to do and what I’ve accomplished, but rather are a punishing reminder of what more is still in front of me to do.
I wonder about other parents whose adult kids are fine, not disabled, not struggling with behavioral health issues. They see their kids accomplish college, dating, first job, marriage with so much less effort. Do they kick themselves so many times per day and feel so behind in life as I do? Maybe they do…but they don’t know...
I turn on YouTube yoga. “Do not engage in the comparing mind,” comes the soothing voice of the instructor. It’s true. I’ll always feel behind unless I make a plan to improve my attitude. After all, envy has never solved the problem that life isn’t fair, and negative mindset defeats growth mindset every time. Let me not spin around endlessly, stuck on ideas that are so unhelpful.
Rebirth means acknowledging what didn’t work the first time around, making changes and decisively moving forward. Tiny steps forward, or even standing still is better than backsliding. Forgiving myself when I do backslide, though, is a real hurdle. A significant change would be to doff the mantle of doubt.