Don’t take things personally
I struggled with criticism when my children were young. It was the typical defensive ASD parent thing: other parents with no experience or understanding thought my son’s behavior had to be the result of my negligent parenting, and if only I “disciplined” him, he should “know better.”
I allowed people’s shallowness to hurt my feelings for many years.
I finally realized as he grew up that other people talking to me and criticizing my son was their way of putting me down to bring themselves up. No one else knows how strong parents of special ed kids are; no one knows as much as people whose lives are touched by ASD how badly we wanted to leave Holland and go to Italy where we thought we belonged. (See below for the full text reference.)
When I first read the essay “Welcome to Holland,” I took the analogy and its very real features personally and I could not manage to read it through to the end without major waterworks.
The message, echoed recently by one of the best-known adults with ASD in the world, Temple Grandin, is that people with autism are different, but not less. Yes, Italy is the more popular of the two destinations, but Holland is unique, beautiful, and also worth a visit; if you find yourself there, you could really look around and enjoy yourself. Different, not less. It requires you, as a parent, to cherish yourself and reject the notion that you are different AND less, not different NOT less.
Do not take comments so personally as an insult and an assault to your parenting skills and plans. Do not get mired in “what-ifs” and “why mes,” or else you’ll focus so much on complaining or resisting being in Holland, missing out on Italy, that you’ll never realize some of the joys and sights presented to you in Holland.
I’ve made peace with this poem and its accurate analogy. It sums up a good depiction of what my life was like as a parent at the time my son was diagnosed with autism at age 27 months. How about you? Please read the poem and respond to this email with your impression. What is your takeaway on the imagery and situation depicted in “Holland?” Did it help you make a realization? Did reading it make you feel upset as I did, and does the premise speak to you?
I invite you to give me your feedback. I won’t take your comments personally!
© Hope2cope extrAUordinary parenting/Joy coaching Nicoletta LaMarca Sacco
